JUST MY IMAGINATION | #34

Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin posing on stage at MSG, NYC. February 1975. © Bob Gruen / www.bobgruen.com

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There should be more attention brought to daydreams. You know about those things, that drift through your mind on the subway or while you’re talking to your boss or your brother on the phone, or those things that you wish would come true but eventually forget, because really…they are just dreams. And nt dreams in the goal-setting sense, in my experience day dreams are always unattainable things, mostly about the YouTube men whom I’d loe to have a relationship with, not in this contintent, or the clothes I’d love to wear/look good in, and eventually the brief moments with people in my life that are uncontrollable, and will probably never happen.
In these dreams, I am always comfortable, and that makes a difference, I think.
Confession time, last summer I spent most of the months of June July and August stuck in the mid 1970’s, where I would day dream about knowing Robert Plant, and I spent a long time inside of my own head. Is that strange? I hope someone reading this understands what this is, spending time inside my head instead of outside in the real world, even when I was out, with friends, with a boyfriend, with family, at work, anything, I wasn’t really there, and that was okay, because inside of my head there was a world that I loved.
And sometimes….sometimes I worry about dying, not because I won’t be able to actually do anything, but because my daydreams, and my ability to imagine, will be gone.
And that worries me, a lot, sometimes.
And other times I am grateful for the opportunity to remember that I do have a life outside of my head, and have to actively turn that part of it all off, because there is a world where things can happen right here, outside, and I can’t spend my whole life wishing things would appen.
But sometimes, those brief moments of comfortable wonder, is worth it, to indulge in, like a good dessert or that second bottle of wine, but only sometimes.
Once in a while daydreaming is okay.
xx Jess

Blind Reading | #33

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Welcome to the week of two posts a day! Hurray! It has been brought to my attention that this project might be a bit overwhelming over the course of the term, but without it I might slip into insanity, so, bare with me.

I tend to not take book recommendations, and so I tend to read books from lists of what women should be reading, what goodreads think would be okay for me, or just what looks kind of neat on audible while I’m checking out. This means reading with me is a grab-bag, it means I could get a novel that is fascinating, full of interesting perspectives and stories from fictional or non fictional characters with cool voices, with neat ideas, with stories to tell.
Or it could just be a blind date, a date that had no expectations, and might be pleasant, but is definitely a one-time thing.
2016 has brought a few blind date books, books that I was happy to have because I hadn’t read much, so it was a nice change from my usual theoretical readings, but it wasn’t something I’d read again, I wouldn’t dress up for it, bring it out to a nice dinner, spend a full night with it, its no something I’d continue to read, or recommend to a friend.
I wonder how to make my blind reading choices more specific? Is there a type that I should be looking for, for a brief interlude from my regular programming? Or should I just continue to take my chances, and write them all off as a fun evening/couplet of evenings, that took my mind off of the real world for a while?
Side note: None of this was written pun-intended, or with the fact that “blind dating” should be my cosmopolitan weekly column, just sort of coincidental that I thought of this and “Blind Dating” is what they call dates when you don’t really know the person at all.
xx Jess

Call Your Girlfriend | #33

I wrote a little while back about another feminist podcast that I dug, called Fresh Air, that was a CBC show incorporating women and literature and music and entertainment, and everything that kicks ass and makes me happy. Well, I’ve started listening to a new podcast, called Call Your Girlfriend, which focuses on female conversations and relationships with other females, and their relationship with each other as opposed to with me.
Or, at the very least, the way that they interact with each other without men, potentially about men, potentially with wine, which is essentially on the nose with every female relationship that I uphold right now.
So I am really digging this podcast, because it feels like I am just litening to real women, the women that I don’t get to see often enough like my best friends, my family, women on the subway, anyone, nd listen to them have the same concerns about life, work, periods, and maybe a bit of men thrown in their too. I love it, because I don’t have to carry the conversation but I am still interested in the topics.
Its available on itunes, I recommend it for EVERYONE, charlieissocoollike on YouTube says, as a straight white man it is great to eavesdrop on what women talk about for once when men aren’t there, so there’s something for everyone, really.
Enjoy.
xx Jess

Exploration of Space | #32

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Lukewarm. It looks luke warm, and it feels quiet and still. As if you were sitting in a tub full of bath water up to your chin, unmoving. Nothing but small ripples from your breath on the water, your blinking eyelashes, presumably, and the lukewarm vision and softness. But you’re not in a bath full of water, or anywhere warm, but in a room with pages from books spread across the floor, you kick a few as you walk in a circle, observing the quiet air, smelling the thick paint that looms from the edges of the room, everything is bright.
What does it smell like? What does it feel like?
Textures, there’s something about the texture of this space, of this room.
On Mondays I write about where I’ve been, a cool place, a memory of a place that is recent. I’ve been many very cool places just this weekend, and yet the only thing I feel comfortable writing about tonight is a place that exists in my head still, from my new play.
Big, dark wooden table, large, so large you can’t reach the other side when you lean over, no matter how tall you are. Pages cover the surface too, these are bigger, covered in handprints with thick paint, blues, emeralds, you run your hands over them and receive a big thud in your chest, like you’re about to speak infront of lots of people, as if you swallowed your tongue whole, that feeling comes with these pages in particular.
It smells like tea, like deeply steeped tea, long gone, still hot, boiling over somewhere close, and the air is thick with that too now, as if there’s tea brewing in the cans of paint somewhere in the back, thick, brewing heavy paint, filling up the room. Soon you’ll be covered in paint, goodbye then clean world.
But that would ruin the pages, the paint would never spill, or it would, but just on the sleeves of the books.
The books that are not present, the books that are lost or gone or somewhere else in another room.
This room does not sound. It does not sound like books, or like paint or like breathing or like filling up or anything. This room does not sound, but maybe it does, a bit like smoke, it sounds like billowing, soft, warm billowing somewhere in the back.
Always in the back, but nothing ever stays here.

Note: This is a riff off of a scene exploration I’ve been working on, as I continue to develop the location of this play, I am struggling with realism and linearity right now while I develop my characters and space, and so I thought setting it in a place that doesn’t really exist anywhere is nice for me. It exists for me, I’ve been here, and if you go far back enough in my blogs you might find where I explore my happy place, the place that only my brain knows, this room lives there too, but not close by. This isn’t a space that I’d like to spend much time in. This space is too heavy for my chest to handle.

xx Jess

Brain Baking | #31

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I have been rolling a few ideas around in my head lately, and I thought I’d roll one out here for you, bare with me as I use my mental rolling pin and try and work out what I want from the projects inside of my head.
A kind human told me last week that I needed to not take on everything, that I needed to narrow, to choose, actually more than one compassionate and kind human being in the past week, and that is both encouraging and hard to swallow for me. I have all of these ideas, all of these areas that I want to explore and have ideas about, and I worry that if I shelf them then my ideas will go stale or someone will get there first. Is that crazy?
I look at my mentors right now, and the amount of work that they balance in a day and the accomplishments that they’ve done and the things tht they read, just the large scale and amount of reading that these people do amazes me. I have to be very choosey about what I read because I know in my core that I cannot read every sngle thing that I want or desire to, and so that is already excruciating.
So, right now, when I have a fire burning in my brain for my play, actually two creative projects in particular, but have very little time to feed that fire or let it consume me, that is excruciatingly hard. I worry that my ideas are going to drift away while I consume all of this theory.
I have two big papers that I want to explore, or actually a whole nonfiction novella almost, that I want to dive into headfirst and allow it to also consume me, I want to learn how to cite YouTube videos, so many YouTube videos that it hurts the editor’s head, because I watch enough people that I appreciate their words enough to write them down with meaning together. I want to do this so bad, but I am drowning in other work instead.
I worry that my thoughts will go stale, that my ideas will no longer be relevant, I need this summer desperately to get lost in these ideas. I want my own brain to be my full time job for a month or something. I want that more than anything for this summer.
Its nice to admit that, actually. There it is: I need some creative time to unload my brain.
I have made the realization that things are going to get done, I’m trusting myself to do what needs to get done when it comes to my coursework, that I trust my body isn’t going to give out on me (as long as I keep eating and sleeping…) and I trust that my brain will keep those ideas simmering, boiling, waiting for me to throw them out into the world when I’m good and ready.
Now, back to reading. I got a new note taking app and it is SO COOL so I have been enjoying my readings lately!
Cheers to Monday!
xx Jess

Why it Took Me So Long to Watch the xfiles | #30

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I thought I’d write a little bit about why its taken me so long to watch the xfiles. I started watching the episods on Netflix last summer, but it didn’t grab me. The first season just didn’t engage me enough to keep watching. Friends, I love aliens, most of my favourite movies are about alien invasions, most of my favourite books are about aliens, a lot of my thoughts are about aliens, and yet the xfiles couldn’t get me.
Why?
I find both Gillian Anderson and David Duchovney attractive, I find their relationship endearing, and yet the nineties outfits and effects couldn’t grab me.
Why?
I think it was the wrong time to start the show. I wasn’t at school, I was living at home and trying to be creative, and I was working a bit at CNIB and didn’t need the show. Does that make sense? I didn’t need an episode, I just needed something to fill time. So I watched Gilmore Girls, and other things, but not the xfiles.
Yesterday morning I watched a few episodes in a row of the xfiles. Why? Because I needed to stay in bed. I don’t have anyone pulling me back into bed anymore/lately, so I needed a tv show to grab me back into bed, and the xfiles did.
So, what have I concluded? My time has come. Finally, I need the xfiles.
God Bloss.
xx Jess

Brooke Bentham <3 | #29

I’ve been in love with this song for so long, and I never thought I’d really understand what it meant.  I love the haunting bits, the small breaks, the way that I do and don’t understand what it means.  But I do, and there’s nothing else to say other than I am just happy it exists out there in the atmosphere, because I trust that hope is something that people experience together, no matter their relationship.

xx Jess

Self Care: Breathing | #28

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This week has been charged with overwhelming hysteria, on my part, because there is a frazzle in the air. Appropriately, I ended my stress week in Sassafraz, over a great meal with one of the best people on the planet. After eating and drinking and laughing, we faced the rain to spend an hour and a bit inside the largest, most beautiful Indigo books.

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We found the Bowie TIME magazine, and I finally found the John Keats poetry book that I’ve been waiting for for…well, for a very, very long time. Finally, Ode to Psyche is mine.

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After returning home I ran a bath, poured some champagne, turned on a new romcom on Netflix and snuggled in the bubbles to read my vogue and breathe. That is the best part about life, that we continue to breathe, it is the running thread that knits our memories together. What can you rely on? Your breath. Taking that in in moments of stress as well as moments of peace is extremely important to me, because it connects those peaceful moments as a memory, as something to recall in moments of crying into your coffee early in the morning mid-week, there is breath, there is peace, you are not okay now but it will come.

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It will come.
xx Jess

Saturday Morning Relationship | #27

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I do love mornings.  I love breakfasts.  I love the way that the air is cold, and crisp and new.  I love the light early on, when its just new and brightening, not stagnant like the afternoon.  I love the smell of coffee, and yawns and pulling the sheets to my chin before being able to get up.  Fighting off the urge to clean or write or get to the to-do list, to just sift through Twitter and laugh out loud and breaking the morning silence.  I love mornings, I do, I am in a relationship with the mornings.

I would consider myself a morning person.  Lately I must be accompanied by a coffee, but I do love to get up and listen to my YouTube and drink coffee and watch the sun lighten the sky.  This morning I spent the first two hours of consciousness in bed watching the FFiles (post coming soon…with my thoughts…of the first season, upon first watch) and then made a lovely breakfast and read vogue while listening to some internet women, which you can see above.

Living alone has changed mornings for me.  When I am at my parents’ house I am used to spending the morning with a coffee and a mimosa and football with my dad and mom, big breakfasts, noise, talking, laughter, phone calls, multiple showers in succession and brunches or lunches out.  Here, I spend the morning in silence.  I wake up to nothing and no one, and that’s very different.

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I’ve been trying to do yoga in the morning to ground my body and help my seminar-ridden body get a bit of time to lay on a mat and not sit in a chair reading/writing.  I didn’t do yoga this morning, but I’ve not felt so comfortable in a long time.  I don’t have any plans until this evening, and not being rushed is the best part of mornings when you live alone.  No fight for the shower, coffee machine, milk, etc.

How do you spend your mornings?  I made two eggs with avocado for breakfast and a small piece of baguette, no apple this morning but I’ll be having a few early this afternoon.  Breakfast is a bit standard for me right now which has become boring and I am looking to explore some different breakfast options that are healthy, energizing and quick.  I’m going to be trying some stove-top oatmeal this week…We shall see how this is.

Happy Saturday, folks!

xx Jess