Letting the Cosy Settle In

Being “settled in” seems a bit optimistic at this point since not a lot of places feel “home-y” to me lately, because I am a working vagabond I find it hard to nest in one place for two long.  I haven’t lived in the same room for the past four years, I have moved every eight months since I began my university career and it is looking like this wil continue for at least the next year.  So needless to say it has been hard to unpack and become comfortable in one place at all.  I guess this is as close as I’m going to get, and it usually happens during the summer when I don’t have to strictly do school work.

And so I sit in my mess of a room littered with Easter chocolate, half-packed suitcases, beautiful flowers and books.  All of the books.  Books books books books are my life, books are the things that keep me going that help me breathe everyday. I have a few books that I refuse to put in a box or in my closet on a shelf because they remind me of specialness, of smartness of kindness, of calmness, and they remind me that I can do what I do because inspiration comes from small, strange places for me.  Books, in their own right, have provided me so much love since I knew the Berenstein Bears, since Harry held my hand through elementary school and beyond, since Holden sparked curiosity and Hazel stole my heart.  I love the adventures, I love the adventures that are inside your head when you read, the moments, the imagining of characters of narratives of speeches, everything so unique to the experience you have yourself.  The room I am sitting in which is littered with books would love a shelf.

A beautiful, hand made book shelf courtesy of my grandfather.  I do not think my room is going to see it as it is well known in my family that I am attracted to moving a lot and not having an empty space in my rooms, but it is happening and it is going to be beautiful and full.  I am currently reading a few books, none of them as full as the ones with actual pages, it seems that reading with your ears is a bit different than holding a physical book in your hands.

Apart from the books my room is sincerely full.  It cannot hold another thing.  While I leave on my trip I will be moving the rest of the random furniture in the hallway and the basement into my room a to not bother my family while I am gone but when I get home it really is time to get down to business.  What is going to stay and what is going to go into storage and what is going to…well, find some space elsewhere?  I hate the idea of organizing my life.  Why is it that I have to put everything in specific spots and finalize things?  Why can’t I just…move through it for a while until I find my feet?

In all honesty if I had a place that was mine for longer than a year I’d unpack and spread out, clamp in my roots, but that isn’t happening anytime soon.

For now I prepare for my trip and I pack my two bags that are separate, I clean my room, organize what I like, and brush over the rest.  I can deal with everything when I get back from South America and French Canada.

Have I talked about my trip yet?  Guess I’ll be writing another post in the morning.

 

Xx Jess

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Preparing For Success

Interviews.

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who would blast them out of the water, but approaching some very important interviews in the near future I find myself shaking at the thought of having to sell myself, to advocate for my own intelligence and positive work ethic.  I feel pressure to prepare and over prepare, to anticipate questions, and to smile.  Why does smiling seem to hard when you want it to look kick ass?  Needless to say I have found myself among other things practising interviews in the hower.

It kind of seems like I’m talking to myself, or just bragging about myself in the shower.  I think the hardest part of an interview for me at this point is going to be articulation.  I can be clear and concise and persuasive when writing a paper because I have time to look over my work…But on the spot?  I have a very hard time articulating clearly my thoughts.

And so, in order to prepare to succeed I am articulating everything.  I am using concise words, and I am explaining things in detail.  Everything.  I have tried to order things at restaurants in an articulate way, I have tried asking questions back in a smart, witty way.  Wit is another weak point of mine, and so I’ve tried working on that too.  I’ve decided that in order to succeed while in a high pressure interview situation is to actually play on what you are good at.

I am good at…um…

Well, a lot of things, and that’s just what I’m going to stick with.  I was going to read a bunch of plays, and doa  lot of research, which I will still do a bit of, but for the most part I am going to just be honest.

I like challenging and provocative plays that present things in a strong and clear way, be it funny or emotional.  I like writing with only one light on sitting on the floor with a tea and loud Billy Talent-esque music on.  I love writing blogs and watching youtube videos but also love reading a good book for hours.  I love to read on busy packed busses.  I love working with people and in a team setting but love to be challenged independetly.  I like reading plays but poetry is my favourite to read with my eyes.  I am passionate about helping people and want to use my strengths to do so.

And so, that’s what I’m going to say.  I have found that success comes when you are comfortable.  Unfortunately I will not be the most comfortable in any of the interview settings as I will be completely disoriented and out of my element, but I think I am ready and striving, thriving for the challenge.  I love being challenged, and it all becomes worth it.

So if I cannot be comfortable I am going to go in confident.  Confident that I know what I’m good at, be honest about my weaknesses, and smile.  Because smiling is nice.

 

xx Jess

The Hospital, the Stories, and the Throwing Away: How I Got Here

I spent the entire day shuffling from doctor to doctor getting my eyes checked in Toronto.  After an extremely early start I felt drained by about 9, which was before any of the doctors had seen me yet.  I am a tired little bear today, but it has been a good one at the hospitals, which is a good thing.  I can’t really complain when I do go because everyone is just making sure that they are healthy, but my little eyes can only take so much.  It was a full day for my family, and so after a while (meaning you know, by the time we made it back to Guelph) we were all ready for some nachos and random pub food.  Dropping me off I let my family drive away laughing, because of a joke (that I will not mention here) and I wish I was going with them.  I’ve learned to really appreciate whole-family time, and today despite its stresses was very valuable to me.

Moving on, while sitting in the car driving to Toronto I realized something very interesting about myself (that I can guarantee you know about me) which is that I tell a LOT of stories.  I remember in seventh grade thinking to myself that I went to school every morning with stories from my family the evening before, and realizing that all of my friends know my entire life story.  I do not tell every singe detail down to what I was thinking/wearing etc in excessive detail…but…I tell long, roundabout, relatively redundant stories.  This was obvious to me at a pre-party this weekend when I was telling a (albeit sort of off topic and useless) story and was cut off midway and it was never brought up again.  This was fine, I know I talk a lot, I know that I tell useless stories, but if it bothers you I must explain why I do it.  I tell stories that are sometime relevant and sometimes only slightly, sometimes only one detail pertaining to a conversation and sometimes just to speak at all, because I have a hard time relating to people otherwise.  My life is how I relate to people.  I don’t read a ton of Buzzfeed or News articles, I don’t watch the News of VICE, but I do have a lot of conversations and experiences.  I do have a lot of thoughts that are sometimes interesting and sometimes really not to anyone else but me.  I think that’s why I love being a mentor, that’s why I love analysis and that’s why I love theatre because I believe that the stories I do decide to tell (trust me I keep a lot in) may help someone.  Sometimes I just tell stories to try to fit in, and sometimes its because I don’t know how else to relate to the people I’m around, but for the most part its because I want people to listen to me and think I have something important to say.  This storytelling makes me the slightly irritating but almost interesting girl I am, and contributes to what I’m getting at here.

The last thing is…garbage.  I have this drawyer in a dresser that I have had since I was born full of literal junk.  Hangers, erasers, crumpled papers twine string balls just junk full of just junk.  I know it is junk, I acknowledge it, but I am having a hard time rationalizing the fact that I have to…throw it away, probably within the next week, and that’s not the only thing full of junk that I own.  I am not a hoarder, I know that there are things to keep and not, but I am a pack rat who loves her sentimental things.  So, as I finish my undergrad, move away from Guelph and away from an solely academic life….I find myself throwing FOUR GARBAGE BAGS full of things away.  I have vowed to keep only one box of things from my desk, this includes paper and sticky notes and pens.  I have vowed to only keep the clothes that fit into my closet and dresser, and that includes sweatshirts and pyjamas.  And I have vowed to clean the room that I am returning home to, and in such a way that when I move out for sure I will be able to fit it into boxes.  Am I proud of it?  I will be, or at least I hope so, but right now it is…..so, so very painful.  It isn’t the cleaning that I hate, I actually love cleaning its therapeutic, but it’s the losing the sentimentality of it all.  I just specifically threw out a lanyard that I received for free at Franks in Guelph in second year from the stag shop that I never used but I remember the night clearly.  I hope to GOD after I throw all of these things out that I never lose my memory, because at this point that’s all I got.  One thing you’ll learn about me is that the moments in my life that mean the most to me are hard for me to picture, and so if I have a pen from that night, or a shirt or even a flippin’ pair of underwear I remember that and (not physically but mentally) hold it close, because I just…need to.  I’m nuts.

So, conclusions?  I’m a sentimental girl in a very fast-paced over-whelming world, and am struggling to come to terms with the changes in my life.  I would really enjoy a hug, if you’re offering.  I am so grateful and honoured to lead the life that I have, but sometimes I wish I had it differently, I guess we all do, its something about mentally mediating those wants and what you have that makes us human and gives us the psychosis that we life with.

 

It’s been a long day,

 

Jess xo

Good Days and Good Byes

End of term means a lot of things for me.  It means that the writing of academic papers winds down, it means that I need to cleana nd pack and eat all of the food in my house, it means that I get a few days of quiet before the stress of finding a summer job sets in, and it means saying good bye to some people.  So far this end of term has been…different, to put it lightly.  Finishing fourth year has not been what I was expecting.

Among many things I’ve been honouring my body to get back on track, I’ve found myself drowning in stress even after classes have finished.  Surrendering to my own meditation and the yoga experience, as well as tea and water over and over again all week.  Call it a theatre-detox, just to make sure I’m not eating too many timbits and avoiding the gym during show weeks.  This has all been good for me, because it forces me to pay attention to myself, to take care of myself, which sometimes gets lost in the shuffling coursework and “social life” (however small) during a semester.  While exiting my undergrad I’ve come to value my summer routine, and hoping that when the time comes to move on whether it be to a masters or to further degrees and courses or even to working that this summer routine becomes my new 365 commitment in a comfortable and healthy environment.

Which brings me to Good Byes.

This evening I had the pleasure of visiting a potluck dinner with my old friends from my first year in residence.  It was a short affair as everyone has many exams in the upcoming weeks and stress levels are in fact the highest for some.  It was incredible to look around the table and hear everyone talk about their plans for the future, drinking glasses of wine and sharing a table of food that we bought and prepared ourselves.  So interesting, becaue four years ago we were drinking flavoured vodkas, crown royals canned beer and talking about where the party was, which room it was in, and how many rounds of kings we could go through before…well before we forgot it was kings.  Four years and we have all maintained a…relatively sparse friendship but friendship none the less, and as we have drifted away from the immediacy of residence-life friendships (aka staying up until 3am watching people play video games, dinner EVERY SINGLE NIGHT together, party weekends sharing pizza and watching Saving Private Ryan and Saw and the neverending binge drinking evenings…etc.) to the adult relationships and friendships that although you would want to spend more time together it only seems to happen once every few months, and this is the reality of life.

It was an odd experience, having a full tummy that was at a table shared by many, it seems as though I was teleported back to my parents’ house where we all meet together at dinner time and share a meal, together, joined efforts and conversations, but this was our “Last Supper” of sorts.  Most of us are splitting off from our usual UoG routines…  A few graduating, a few staying back for a term or two, some elaving for jobs some leaving the province, and it seems as though we had little new to say to eachother.  Conversation hardly left what was happening in our lives, we weren’t speaking of large topics, and I believe that is the nature of the Goodbye.  You remain nostalgic and good humoured, nothing too serious, nothing unfamiliar, and then you leave that relationship preserved as it was, in the molasses of university life and comradery as we have come to appreciate it as.

Tomorrow I face saying goodbye to the program that has nourished and supported me through these past four years into the academic I am today.  Into a strong, fierce playwright who loves performance and theory, who loves a cast and productions, who loves the George Luscombe more than her house, and who devotes evenings upon evenings to a hall full of aespestos.  I am grateful that I was able to be a part of such a vibrant program while I was here, tomorrow is going to be a difficult farewell as well, but it is MOST DEFINITELY a “be seein you” situation, I’m not lettin’ those guys go.

I am not a particular fan of goodbyes, I believe in the “I’ll be seeing you” philosophy, but sometimes I have to take into consideration around this time in my life that I may not be seeing them again.  And so hugs were exchanged, good words, and a good leaving.  I say good as many times as possible to remain positive instead of breaking down and crying all over my UoG sweater post-experience.  I’m a sap and proud of it.

I am wishing all of those whom I have met here at the University of Guelph the best of luck on their finals and the best of luck with the rest of their journeys, as most of them will move on to reach great things, become successful, and live happy and full lives.  It is hard to say Goodbye to Guelph at all, because it has given me such a full and happy time here, I have felt comfortable and challenged and at home all at the same time.

It is time to go, however, I can feel it.

Best,

 

Jess xo

Back in Business

I’ve avoided writing a post explaining why I have stopped writing these blogs all of a sudden and I am not sure why.  I’ve been busy with school and creating theatre, and that’s the only excuse I got!  It’s a good enough excuse for me if I do say so myself, and here’s what I’ve got for the future of this blog.  I had decided to keep it formatted and formal and in line and that’s going out the window.  I’m going to write when I can and about whatever I want.  Once I get out of this house and back home I will be cooking more, I am about to start reading plays like its my job, and I am going to try and use different products both beauty and online, and so it won’t be much of a review but more a notebook of my life.

 

Isn’t that what a blog is, anyway?

 

I am about to do a ton of travelling as well, Montreal twice in the next month and Peru, as well as a whirlwind of interviews and graduating, and so I want to write it all down and share it all.  So here it goes!  Wish me luck!

 

So what can I talk about today you ask?  Well, darling, I can talk about this website: asos.com, and how I bought a dress two and a half weeks ago, and it shipped to me for free in that time, and this dress is wonderful.  I am wearing it within the week, but because it is from this website I have deemed it a “nice” dress, and therefore have to take some time and prepare for its first wearing.  It is beautiful material, and I love it.  I feel like such a “Beauty” Girl, because all of the UK Beauty Bloggers buy from asos.com, and it is a UK store, so I definitely recomend.  They have incredible sales and free shipping worldwide is one of those things that really makes a difference when shoping online, and the returns are free as well, so you cant go wrong!  I am planning on making a bikini order for the summer after all of my travelling in April, so stay tuned for that!

 

Best of luck to all going into their finals this week, I am about to finish my undergrad with one kickass script!  If you want to treat yourself take a minny and buy yourself somethin pretty 🙂

 

xo Jess