Yesterday morning I got up, did a short work out and then headed out for the bus to go to the mall. I needed supplies for tacos, and to be honest I needed to get out of the house (I had started hearing noises, footsteps, shuffling etc. Halloween spookyness was getting to me) so I took a journey in the freezing cold, grey day. The bus was quiet, I had forgotten my headphones and ipod on the kitchen counter, and so I travelled in silence. The moment I entered the shopping building however, my mood instantly changed.
When I was 18 I had an intense surgery on my right eye which left me out of school for two full months and facedown for one whole month. It was over Christmas, my favourite season, and it was my final year of highschool, which was just not a good time not to be active or social (or academic for that matter but that didn’t stop me from staying up all night reading suspenseful audiobooks, but alas that is a topic for another post). This Christmas season will mark four full years since then, and I am so happy to both have had that experience and gotten through it. There were some unusual helpers to keep me comfortable, though.
My grandparents would come from their small town to take me mall walking, and my mom took me to the local recreation centre weekly for walks. I couldn’t see and it was incredibly icy, and so it was easier for me to walk around (during the second month) indoors. This began my love for the shopping malls. The comfort I get from the warmth, the passive shoppers who (hopefully) do not know you or recognise you at the very least, and the idea that you do not actually have to have a reason to go in. You can go in broke and still feel comfortable walking around the stores, parousing, no purpose needed.
I think what got me thinking about this time yesterday was the comfort it provided when I felt incredibly lost. I’m not saying that I am deserted without a map or anything, but I am definitely having a hard time finding the treasure chest, or atleast digging it up, or waiting for it to appear infront of me, or any way this analogy could develop further without emphasizing the fact that I am lost but not in dire need of help. I find comfort in the strangest things, but what gets me through the most is knowing that although I am at my parents’ house for the time being, doing unpaid work and occaisionally feeling more bored than I have ever felt in my life, I am doing what I love, and I have the ability to leave the house at my own leisure. I have never been able to have such a free schedule before. I suppose I am grateful for that. The only deadlines I have are set by me and my co-owners.
I write this down today to organize my thoughts. It is November 1, 2014, I am a recent graduate who is currently income-less and struggling to stay afloat/sane. I find comfort in the little things, like a short trip to the mall, in order to continue moving forward. Talk about motivation, it comes in the weirdest shapes and sizes. I hope to spend next week working on my web series, which has FINALLY started to develop into something coherent and kind of beautiful (to me) so I hope to share something not too far in the future.