Heart-Shaped Box

I was going to write a DIY today about something or other, but I’ll just throw that regular programming in later on this month and talk about my day, because that’s just what I feel like.  If you are wondering, which you probably aren’t, but that’s fine I like doing yoga, and have been developing my mindfulness for a few years now and have recently realised the beautiful practice of noticing feelings, allowing them to occur, and then letting them pass without question.  I walked into my house this evening full of emotions, many good, some frustrated, but overwhelming nonetheless.  I cried on impact, my family was a bit annoyed and confused, I left to take off my makeup and breathe.

I personally find an occurance like this not only normal but encouraged.  I have been “on” emotionally all day, being involved in many people’s lives, revisiting the University I just graduated from, and feeling nostalgic and jealous and excited all at the same time.  Accompanied by two pints of beer, one large coffee and not nearly enough sleep, but emotions got the best of me, and it irritates me that I can’t just have a few moments to myself.  My old roommates will tell you that just-home Jessie needs a little quiet time until she gets her tea and crackers, its just a thing, after rehearsals, after a busy day of work, anything.  I just need that.  It has taken me a while to be okay with that, I am not being selfish, I just need that to not explode on people.

I have decided to do an anxiety yoga practice tonight before bed and not watch tv but keep reading my book.  I don’t know if you ever give yourself a night off, but I tend to continue working, writing, etc. into the evening and have to physically stop myself from being “on” near bedtime.  IT’s important and once you realise that it becomes…not quite liberating, because it stops productivity and isn’t really that good of a practice if you are working freelance, at least for your work/creativity, but it is good for the mental health, and I take that over my creativity most of the time.

Like I said, this isn’t regular programming for this blog, but sometimes I think I talk too much about beauty, fashion, materialism, feminism, things that are larger mouthfuls of thoughtful or thoughtless posts, and this blog was originally for me to unload my thoughts…Which, to be honest, are mostly thoughtful/less fashion/feminist things.  I want to do some baking either tomorrow or Sunday, and I will be doing some fun crafts and DIY for tomorrow or Saturday’s posts, but for now, you’ll have to put up with me unloading on the importance of being mindful of emotions.

Is that boring?  Not mainstream?  Not ideal for an audience?  I don’t think I care, because if there’s something I do believe about my writing and my thoughts is that they have a small impact on a handful of people, even if they are my closest, trusted friends.  Its like art, does it really matter if the story is told on a grand scale? Or does it only matter that it is told at all?  As my need for a masters grows more apparent I wonder if I should pursue my studies into the audience, and audience community vs. isolation, perception, what makes up an audience?  Is this at all important?  Can I make this a career?

Or should I stick to writing my panic-attack play, a web series about a stay at home wife who wants to murder her husband’s boss, and creating a Theatre Festival out of thin air?  IS any of  this impactful?  Important? Relevant?

I’m off to grab my yoga mat and settle down, I hope this post wasn’t just a mess but somewhat…helpful?  Insightful?  Entertaining at the very least—for you all.  If not, then check back tomorrow for some great Do It Yourself tips for a fab season, I would promise to be more relevant, but…  What can I say, sometimes I think I’m stuck in my Curt Cobain phase, I think I’m dumb (maybe just happy).

Xx Jess

Ps. If you try to justify that Curt Cobain has always been relevant, we should be friends.


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