I don’t mean to go all Princess Diaries on you but I say the word I so many times in a day that it makes me sick. I was sitting on the bus and worrying that people on the bus with me would judge me for taking the bus a few stops around the corner (in the freezing cold mind you not even factoring in the blind thing) and that they would think worse of me, that they would be making judgments about my abilities to walk around corners or something like that. And then I realised, that I myself have never looked at a person getting on or off a bus and thought “wow way to take the bus down one stop. Like, nobody cares about anyone on the bus.
So why am I so concerned about the way I look to other people?
I think I’m selfish. I’ve written many a posts about how being selfish in terms of taking care of yourself is good. But being selfish in the way of thinking of yourself negatively or the fear of being judged and only worrying about yourself is getting to me, it is becoming a bad thing for me (or has been since I could comprehend judgement, probably early school years) and so I worry about changing my mindset about these things, how do you change something so ingrained in your thought process?
I would love to be mindful of the ridiculousness to start. So every time that I start worrying about what strangers thin of me on the bus or what the people at the table next to me at a restaurant would think if I ordered dessert I want to be mindful of how stupid worrying about what other people who pay zero attention to what you are doing think is, and that I shouldn’t give it another thought.
Being mindful of these weird things that I do is only the contribution of many steps to full awareness of the ridiculousness in my life and maybe not overcoming it, because it is a part of who I am, but becoming aware and then not letting it bother me too much. Laughing about it, even, and stop thinking about what others may think of me an what I think of me. I’ve always said that I want to be the kind of person whom I would like to be friends with, and for that I will continue to strive for.