Compartmentalization and the Inability to “Go With the Flow”

I do yoga upwards of three times every week and more meditation than that. I spend hours working through journalling about my mental state, the balance of my emotions, working through mindfulness and being a stable human being without thoughtfully bursting into tears when anyone spoke. It is a wonderful, fufilling practice that makes me feel whole, and strong and confient in a way that nothing else has ever offered me. My yoga experience is a ourney so personal that I find it hard to talk about openly, but it is so beautiful and I am at peace, despite never being able to deal with spontaneity. I confess it, I cannot go with the flow.

My whole life is compartmentalized into moments throughout the day from when I wake up until I go to sleep. On the weekends I have been TRYING to let this practice go, as it makes me feel comfortable and strong, but it leaves me extremely disappointed when things do not go as planned. I am a planner, I am not a surfer, and that may seem weird coming from a self-proclaimed practicing yogi who is, again, self-proclaimed, “at peace.”

I’ve learned through my practice that being a balanced, strong human being means that you acknowledge your flaws (if they are truly flaws) and you move forward with them, clinging to your belt, always there, and managed by combatting them with kindness that you deserve. I think the first step in accepting your flaws is respecting yourself enough to see them as something that is a part of you, and I don’t really see compartmentalization of my week necessarily a flaw, but an obstacle, something to work through, or at the very least, to keep in moderation in my life, but not forcin myself to work through it in one day, but taking a gradual, peaceful approach to it.

Compartmentalizing my time got me through university, through two degrees, through travelling, through mental illnesses and working, through loss and happiness, but it also causes as much pain. Like anything, it is all about the balance.

I like consistency, and I like trusting that things will change when they need to, that things will fall into place, but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about them. I have vowed to be patient and worry less in 2015, so to make this happen I have to hold my curser over the “Planning” tab of my life and wait for the balance to come through.

I’m always interested in hearing how other people get their work done, you know, to get ideas! So let me know if you know a secret to peace of mind in spontaneity and I will be grateful forever.

xx Jess


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