I am insecure.
I thought this was important to write about today because it is a theme running through various courses in my life this year. There is something to be said about insecurities in adults, in all ages and walks of life, and how they are valid. It is the way in which we handle our insecurities that define us. I do not believe that someone who holds insecurities inside or out, against others or as an effect from others is “weak,”—ugh, what an ugly word. But it is truly in the nature of the holding—do we allow them to affect our everydaylife? Our quality of life? And is there a way to live within the insecurities without allowing them to take over our common thoughts and actions?
I think I’ve been struggling with this lately because of the uncertainty in my life, but that could be an excuse. I think I’ve always dealt with insecurities ever since I was “Four Eyes” in kindergarten to the girl with the sweat stains in seventh grade, to the “slut” in grade nine to the outside-of-the-box personality in university. Even now, as I notice my vocabulary expanding and my open mind taking hold of rooted thoughts, desires, values and opinions, as I age, I find myself wondering, for hours each night, if an thinking negatively of me.
Worrying, it seems, will never left me, but I am aware of it and I take it seriously in my life.
Just this year however I have been taking great lengths to observe my insecurities and not let them take over my mental capacity, because I worry enough about a lot of things as it is and it would be best if I was just Confident with a capital C from the get go, as opposed to having to work at it. I don’t think it is healthy to pretend we don’t have insecurities.
So yes, I have insecurities. And yes, I am aware of them.
But I am not making it my life goal to get rid of them.
I want to learn how to be patient, how to see them as what they are: an indicator for a greater problem, and then finding that problem and observing it. I feel like meditation has helped me greatly with this realisation, but it is a battle everyday. A battle to not feel guilty about feeling insecure, if what I wrote wasn’t perfect and someone had to make changes, even though what I wrote was lovely and they changed it for the better, I feel as though I should’ve done better. This is my inner critic running away on me again, there’s no muzzle for that critic, she just blows her horns and screams at me no matter what I do.
I deal with it in a moment-by-moment basis, and if I’m honest I’m writing this today because it has been really bothering me….I feel as though I am alone. Doesn’t anyone else have to worry about if their opinions are valid? If others think about them? Don’t you battle with insecurities like me? Shouldn’t we be proud that we aren’t perfect robots who worry about nothing? I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK, DAMNIT, BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT THEIR THOUGHTS!
And I don’t care about “what people think” in a judgemental way, I honestly worry about the possibility that my actions could have a negative affect on other people and I misinterpret something or miss it completely or are ignorant and hi hello here are my insecurities for you all to see.
I deal with this on a moment-to-moment basis, clearly, and that’s okay. What I wanted to get down here is that insecurities are natural, and they aren’t strange or stupid or invalid, but a sign of concern, caring, and the ability to be strong, the ability and willingness to grow, not “weakness,” but imperfection.
And isn’t that what makes us interesting? The imperfections. The mistakes. Those little insecurities, that make us who we are?
So if you are dealing with your own insecurities please don’t think you are alone, or that you are weak, or stupid, or invalid in your feelings, because having feelings is better than having nothing, and as long as you don’t let your insecurities become your entire life or discourage you from taking opportunities then they are healthy enough to be spoken about. I hope you all find peace in your insecurities, if only for this moment, by knowing that I’m right there with you.