Monthly Playlist: June

Oh good morning friends!  I thought I’d bring back my lovely monthly playlists, as I’ve been a bit music-onbsessed this month.  I’ve decided to just go with the songs from the top of my head, post the tracklist, and potentially go back and put in the youtube videos as usual.  If I don’t get to that don’t hold it against me!  But here are my TOP TEN TRACKS to start off your JUNE right!

1.  Ten Years Gone – Led Zepplin

2. One- Neil Young

3. Rock and Roll Suicide- David Bowie *repeat from a few months ago because SO GOOD

4.  With a Girl Like You- The Troggs

5.  The Wind- Cat Stevens

6.  Stay Alive- Jose Gonzales

7. Boss-  Fifth Harmony

8. The Boxer- Simon & Garfunkel

9.  Wild Horses- The Rolling Stones

10.  BENNIE & THE JETTS-  Elton John

I must make a suggestion that these be listened to in accordance with a comfort beverage of choice, on a back deck, with headphones or speakers your choice, and just get into the summer groove.

xx Jess

“It Doesn’t Look Like I’m Listening to CCR/Zeppelin Nonstop…But I Am”

& other things I think on the subway.

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Where should I look? Is there some kind of guidebook for blind people on where they should look in the subway?

Stop reading my phone over my shoulder please.

Or looking at my tattoos.

Which side of the car are the doors going to open? Should I turn left or right?

Is my music too loud? Is everyone staring at me? Can they hear that I’ve played the same Rolling Stones song five times in a row?

Did I sing that outloud?

Stop dancing.

If I get off at the other stop I can grab Cobb’s bread on the way home.

I wantbread.

Do I have to go to work tomorrow? I’m so tired, I’d like to just spend a day sleeping.

Or reading, but mainly sleeping.

I want food, why don’t they have vending machines here?

Maybe I should change the music up a bit–

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Nope, I hope no one was looking over my shoulder as I click “repeat all” on Neil Young, again.

I wonder what everyone else thinks I’m listening to…

Why am I focusing so much on this?

I should write a blog about all of these thoughts.

I need pictures. These are awful. Now everyone’s looking at me taking pictures.

Where did that bruise on my leg come from?

Man, I’m tired.

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xx Jess

“Worry”

I’ve wondered for a long time about the nature of my worrying and anxiety.  I remember being a small young girl thing going to swimming lessons and HATING THE IDEA OF IT for the entire day/few days/week before I had to go, and I would uncontrollably feel uncomfortable with the idea of going to swimming lessons.  This also applied to pretty much everything else, ie school, dance class, Thanksgiving dinner, etc.  I would stay up all night the night before, and then even until the thing started I would still feel awful.

Now, recently, this has changed.  I will worry for days/weeks beforehand and then an hour or two before the time comes the worry….disapparates.  Its the strangest thing that I literally cannot control, and it is awful for the entire lapse of logical worry and then, poof!  Like right now for instance, I am heading out to get to a new location I’ve enver been before, and I’ve felt so anxious all day, and last night, and worrying, and it really ruins my time, and then now, an hour and a bit before having to head out…I’ve just…gained a bit more confidence, I can do this, and here’s the kicker:

I’ve come to the realization that if it doesn’t work, if things get messed up, if I’m late, whatever

then…that’s just how it is.

I’ve taught myself (and should be starting to learn how to do this earlier or not to worry or to think this before worrying) that I can’t change the outcomes of things, events, situations, so as long as I do my best and try hard, then that’s the way it is and that’s okay.

It’s a strange realization, to know that what I feel is wrong and I shouldn’t be feeling it but literally being unable to change it.  That’s how anxiety feels to me, that I KNOW its illogical and I KNOW that I don’t need to worry, btu worry I do.

So, moving forward?  Cultivating a mindset of peace and trust in myself.  Isn’t that a strange thing to say?  I trust myself that I will get there on time.  And if I don’t?  Then I don’t, and that’s fine.

xx Jess

“Home”

Hi friends~ I hope you’re all well, this is the first moment I’ve had to myself in a week now, and it feels so lovely.

I’ve spent today in a whirlwind sort of thinking about how it feels to be “home,” and how, even though its only been three weeks since leaving my parents’ house, how that space doesn’t feel like a home to me anymore.

I write about this question a lot, but, what consititutes as a home for me?

I am not sure what constitutes as home for me anymore other than…where I am. Where I rest and unwind in a permanent-manner. I am tired of spreading my years with many places to call home, and I am ready to settle in one spot for a year or two. One spot on my own, without family, to just unpack my ho things and stay.

So right now, it doesn’t feel like I’m displaced…but it feels like…I feel like a nomad, a vegavond, like I keep a hair brush at every possible place of slumber now.

And that’s a bit strange.

But the coolest thing on the horizon right now is that my dream of having a home of my own, a place to stay, is actually…realistically coming before me. Its appearing, its right there, arms reach, and it’ll take work and some time and a lot of stress and money but its there, I’m running up to it, catching up to my future.

I guess.

But my home seems to come with me. I can unpack it, but it seems that a home is a feeling, it isn’t a place anymore, and it probably won’t be again until I get that feeling again. This all sounds a bit…strange, but its true to me. A home is where the heart is, and the heart meaning the passion, comfort and joy.

The heart is coming soon for me, I can feel it.

xx Jess

Patience

Good evening, friends! Its been five months since the resolutions began and my intention for this year was to cultivate patience in my life. Five months in, it seems as though it has helped tremendously, and I only really notice in very subtle ways.

This morning on my commute to work there are two busses that come to my stop after the subway, and the first one does NOT go where I need to go, and the second one does. They are both called the 11’s, which is confusing, one is B and the other A, and today I got on the wrong bus. It took me around the block, I considered getting off, but instead I sat and waited, hoping and trusting that it would just take me back to where I started.

I unravelled my headphones, put my ipod into my bag, and sat until it rolled back into the station. Ten minute detour for a loop? That’s fine. Got off the bus, waited five minutes, and my bus came to which I got on and got to work only five minutes late. No fuss, not even breaking a sweat, just smooth bus-sailing.

And that, for me, is patience at work in my life. Five months ago–hell, two months ago, I would’ve freaked out, thrown a tantrum (probably not, or, I would like to believe not) break into tears and hyperventilate until I got back to the station, or gotten off immediately and called a cab. I got through it, without freaking out, trusting things would work out, and I did it I did it I did it!

So yeah, there have been moments of panic, but things work themselves out, and you know what? That’s enough for me.

Five months into 2015 and my New Year’s Resolution is still in full swing, and every day I am challenged, and every day I am pleased with myself.

Hope you’re having a great tuesday.

xx Jess

Mini-Break in Photos

Good evening friends! I hope you’ve had a spectacular long-weekend! I’ve spent it with myfamily, my Martin, and my Sauble Beach! We played a lot of cards, found a lot of ice in Lake Huron, mini-golfing, and lots of other fun things. I am so grateful to have a place to retreat to outside of the city, but its nice to be home. I’ve popped in a shephard’s pie and have a few scenes to memorize before settling into Game of Thrones, what a beautiful weekend!

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I’ll end this with my main man, Martin, who was patient, and adventurous, and a great companion for a weekend at the beach.  Thaks for being such a goob with me, making me delicious “orange crush” cocktails in moo cow cups, sitting through Knocked Up AND the Billboard Music Awards, swimming multiple times, slowly playing mini golf, watching me eat and entire oder of Mars’ fries to myself, and snuggling up in the cold evenings.  You’re the best.

xx Jess

Song Of The Day: May 14, 2015

Good evening friends! I hope you’re all having a lovely Thursday! I’ve decided to take today to share a great song with you all. You may know it, but if you don’t then I’d recommend taking it for a listen. I love it. There’s something about an upbeat classic rock song that is perfect for pretty much anything: cleaning, dancing, cooking, running. Fleetwood Mac’s got it all, really.

It was a bit better live, you can ask AJ to describe my dance moves It end to be as lame as humanly possible and i LOVE it.

Today, while walking home from the subway, I bopped along Spadina to it, I feel as though the people in my neighbourhood are already getting used to me either dancing or singing out loud. You’re welcome, UoT!

xx Jess

Travel Insights

You know, the thing about travelling in my current state is that I want to “see” as many things as I possibly can. But really it is because I want to experience as many things as I possibly can. I want to have the feeling of the wind that happens when I reach the edge of a mountain in Scotland, or the chill before entering a hot spring in Peru. I want to feel the hot air as I walk down the side streets in Tuscany and hear the sounds of New York City Broadway as I leave the restaurant after dinner to venture down to see a show. There is nothing in the world like seeing a place for the first time, but its even more indescribeable to experience it.

They’re going to ask you why you want to leave the places you know because you can’t see the places far away, but seeing isn’t everything.

Experiencing is the quality of travel that is detectable by all beings of all abilities, and travel is invaluable for a sense of self and identity among a world so vastly different, beautiful and amazing.

People eat different things, they worship different Gods, they wear different clothes and watch different tv shows. They even learn different things in schools, and of course they speak different languages.

We are so lucky to live in Canada, and have the CNIB here and have such a beautiful and relatively safe environment to live in.

But stepping outside of our doors and opening our minds to the rest of the world gives us the confidence to find our place in it.

Should I learn Braille? & other terrifying questions

Good morning friends and happy Monday!  What a beautiful day it is!  Just kidding, its grey and tired looking outside, and everyone seems to be a bit begrudging the work week beginning (especially after a beautiful/muggy weekend) but I am optimistic as the long weekend approaches (short week, huzzah!) and I have a busy week planned indeed!  Today I thought I’d look at some of the strange, real things that I have to deal with on a daily basis!

A few months ago I got a new fake eye put in, and that my friends is an example of an independent clause that I literally say in my real life.  Real life to each individual is generally strange out of context, nick names, inside jokes, but a frequent asked question that I get is “so, do yous leep with your fake eye in?” and that my friends is normal for me (I do sleep with my fake eye in, I don’t take it out unless it is uncomfortable).  But the strange thing about my real life is that its extremely inconsistent and unpredictable…  Soud familiar?  Good, because that’s how life SHOULD be, who wants to live a life that always has the same things coming up around the corner?  I just sometimes find myself working through some hard to swallow inquiries on my own, and thought I’d elaborate on a few.

Should I start learning Braille?

You may or may not be the wiser that I am legally blind.  I have very limited vision in my right eye, and my eye specialists are quite sure that my eyesight can go one of two ways: it can stay the same, or it can get worse.  If they choose to go down the second road, then I feel like I should prepare myself and learn braille and figure out some accessible routes that I can go down.  I hate this idea, however, because it hasn’t happened yet, and I love the way that I see now.  I am grateful for the sight that I do have, and don’t want to jinx it by learning new tips.  Maybe as a hobby, but Braille doesn’t quite interest me as other things do.  This, my friends, is a predicament indeed.

PostGraduate Education vs. the Working World

The idea that I will not be making a steady income for a few years infuriates me, and yet I am still drawn unwavering to further education.  I love theories, I love learning, I love teaching and workshops and everything that comes with the Masters degree that I am pursuing this fall.  I love research, and I love working with professionals.  I think the hardest part is that there is a huge unknown, a huge Question Mark at the end of the Masters program when I’ve finished my thesis and that is:  Will it be worth it?  Will it be giving me a job in some way?  Will I ever be working for longer than a four month period?

Where do I want to live?

With a roommate?  In Toronto?  With my family?  With a boyfriend?  Alone?  Alone.  Will I be safe?  Will I feel scared?  Do I feel comfortable living alnoe?  How much do I want to pay?  How much can I pay through the year without working?  Why can’t I just find a place yet?  Why have I not been satisfied with my living situation since I was 20 years old?  I just want to find a nice place to live and stay there for a few years.  I am ready.

Why can’t I commit to a solo creative outlet?

I’ve started writing a web series, a comic book, three or four new plays, a new blog full of poetry, countless notebooks full of everything, and the only thing that has stuck is this blog and it has yet to be extremely creative.  I want to be able to write, daily, something that isn’t prose, but the plays that I’m working on are uninspired and the other work is all…not the right time.  I need to find the project that is RIGHT for right now.

Is anything worth it?

I’ll leave this open-ended, because I think on this constantly.  OF COURSE my life is worth it, and being strong and driven is worth it, but is what I want to do, the things that I am passionate about and are interested in, theatre, women, equality, accessibility, advocacy, is this worth it in relation to eachother?  Am I doing the right thing?  Can I make any change at all?

Hope all of you are havinga  lovely Monday!

xx Jess