“Worry”

I’ve wondered for a long time about the nature of my worrying and anxiety.  I remember being a small young girl thing going to swimming lessons and HATING THE IDEA OF IT for the entire day/few days/week before I had to go, and I would uncontrollably feel uncomfortable with the idea of going to swimming lessons.  This also applied to pretty much everything else, ie school, dance class, Thanksgiving dinner, etc.  I would stay up all night the night before, and then even until the thing started I would still feel awful.

Now, recently, this has changed.  I will worry for days/weeks beforehand and then an hour or two before the time comes the worry….disapparates.  Its the strangest thing that I literally cannot control, and it is awful for the entire lapse of logical worry and then, poof!  Like right now for instance, I am heading out to get to a new location I’ve enver been before, and I’ve felt so anxious all day, and last night, and worrying, and it really ruins my time, and then now, an hour and a bit before having to head out…I’ve just…gained a bit more confidence, I can do this, and here’s the kicker:

I’ve come to the realization that if it doesn’t work, if things get messed up, if I’m late, whatever

then…that’s just how it is.

I’ve taught myself (and should be starting to learn how to do this earlier or not to worry or to think this before worrying) that I can’t change the outcomes of things, events, situations, so as long as I do my best and try hard, then that’s the way it is and that’s okay.

It’s a strange realization, to know that what I feel is wrong and I shouldn’t be feeling it but literally being unable to change it.  That’s how anxiety feels to me, that I KNOW its illogical and I KNOW that I don’t need to worry, btu worry I do.

So, moving forward?  Cultivating a mindset of peace and trust in myself.  Isn’t that a strange thing to say?  I trust myself that I will get there on time.  And if I don’t?  Then I don’t, and that’s fine.

xx Jess

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