You Better Work, Bitch | #40

Good morning, friends!

I am so behind on posts, but I am not going to break my knuckles typing away pointless posts just to fill numbers, I’m sure you’ll understand, so I just wanted to write a short hello, saying that I’ve arrived home safely from England and a trip that has motivated me academically, emotionally and creatively to pursue things that I want in my life. Other than seeing the beautiful city that I feel so connected to, I found a piece of myself across the atlantic that I feel as though I carry with me now, holding it quietly in my chest, behind my ribs so it is safe, and when I need it I can touch it lightly and remember that fire I found there.

I also saw a wonderful Instagram post (aren’t inspirational insta’s just the best?) where one of the YouTubers that I totally respect, Hannah Hart, wrote a bit bout refocusing her anxious energy on something productive, and becoming a plant mom. I have been thinking about my anxious energy a lot the past week due to some very weighty issues going on in my head, and I’ve been brainstorming ways in which I could refocus my nxious energy.

Should I become a plant mom? Probably not.

But I want to refocus into my yoga and my writing. I have decided to take some severe steps in the direction of taking care of myself in a way that is productive and healthy, not just because I NEED to or anything, but because there is a little ball of fire in my chest cavity that needs nurturing once in a while, and my word for this year that arches over my entire life is Strength, and in order to cultivate strength for myself I have to work towards it, be an active participant, to be alive not just when I’m travelling or with friend, but right now alone in my apartment, to feel alive.

That is the meaning of life for me right now.

So that is a short introduction to the response to my trip, and keep in touch if you have ny questions or ideas on how to work towards refocusing anxious energy, I’m not very good at taking advice, but when I need it I do seek it out. I hope you’ve had a quiet mid-February, full of smiling and good food. I am currently craving guacamole like its my day job so I might have to grab some of that this week, or make it with the armfuls of abocados and lemons I bought yesterday at the grocery store, who knew that this Ontarion would wish she lived in Cali mid-February? Who would’ve thought, with the polar vortex swirling around my head?

I say, as I missed the deep freeze last week, ha-ha I apologise, sort of.

I will be writing up some travel posts and some other mind related posts, some skincare trials and some clothing posts, some things that I loved and hated, and looking and moving forward. I hope you’re well and along for the ride.

Best wishes, and have a fabulous Monday!

xx Jess

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Bon Voyage | #39

I am ending my rolling blog posts for this week with a thank you to my wonderful family and friends for supporting me for this trip. I know I am priviledged and so lucky to have the opportunity to go on a trip like this, especially in the middle of a very busy term. I am so grateful, and I know it will be a small snippet of fabulousness that I experienced my first time abroad.

I am nervous, and excited, and I just want to be there already. I have work to do, emails to send, and air to breathe in London. Museums to see, and my beautiful Thames to dote over.

Until I am

Packing Time | #39

Packing for a week long trip to a city that embraces dampness while the country I call home is in deep freeze has proven to be difficult. I want to bring the dresses that I love for late winter, but the tights situation is difficult to figure out. Or what shoes? What shoes do I bring at all? I have waterproof boots, but they’re big and clunky combat boots for winter, and so I must hit a shoe store first thing on Saturday morning once I’m about shopping.

So packing, packing… I’ve packed light, due to above mentioned shopping that is about to happen. Ah, Primark, Next and Oasis won’t know what has hit them. But also because what do I need realy? I’m going to be going to museums and walking through the city in my jacket, I just need good shoes. I’ve still not decided on which shoes to bring…

I’ve mostly focused on packing the right chords, chargers, books, notebooks and podcasts. I’ve got everything uploaded except two episodes of Downton Abbey onto my ipad, and a new playlist from youtube that I’ve yet to get figured out. Packing my electronics has become a stress for me as I’ve decided not to bring my computer at all, so this might be a bit tricky.

My carry on, which is just one big bag with my purse inside of it, is my favourite carry on I’ve ever had. I anticipate it to be full of magazines and more things by the time head home, but it is the most efficient packing that I’ve done in a long time. My ipad, some medicinal essentials, chords, backup clothes, and we’re good.

My only real tip for packing is to take less than you think you’ll wear and more drugs (Tylenol/graval) than you think you’’’ use, and always carry deodorant.

xx Jess

Transcendence |#38

There’s a point in mindfulness meditation where you breathe in the bad and breathe out the good into the universe, like a purifier, like your nose is the filter, like you are a human energy dehumidifier, and that’s how I feel about David Bowie. He breathed in the bad so we could have the good, and I envision him among the stars breathing in the bad and out the good for us, and I continue to visualize this every time I practise mindfulness, because it feels as though my stress becomes productive, and pain becomes productive, and that productivity gives back.

xx Jess

Sleep | #37

I was having a productive conversation about sleep the other day with a colleague and realised that there is no real way to talk productively in comparison with other people about sleep. Someone is always getting more sleep than someone else, and in turn someone is always getting more. Sometimes people all see 2am and head to bed, alternatively there’s a few who see 10pm and that’s late. Sleep is subjective, sleep is lovely, but sleep is something for me that I have a hard time articulating.

So why bother? Why explore it in comparison or not? Why sleep? Why now?

Because its trendy topic in conversation. Similar to the weather, when trying to make conversations people tend to talk about how tired they are, and that’s become popular. Today, while getting my glasses tightened I rubbed my face because it was cold, and the lady working on my glasses asked if I was tired.

Do I look like I’m tired? I’m acting like…well, I guess I was displaying behaviour that said that I was tired, but my face really was just cold, which is what I told her, to which we then talked about how cold it is outside right now. Ha, it sems there are two realms of small talk, and I hit both this afternoon.

The only time that I speak openly about sleep is when I am not having it, and as I am about to board an overnight plane there might be a few jetlagged posts coming your way, but in the meantime, let us move towards speaking about things outside of the bedroom, outside of the realm of the weather, and try to engage people in cool new ways in small talk.

Or at the very least, ask people how they are doing, and engage in their ideas past their level of awakeness.

xx Jess

Seminar Room Sounds | #36

I love the way things sound. I love the sound of footsteps in the snow or grass or sand or watery beach, watery grass, watery stairs on the subway, on the subway. I loe the sound of footsteps, is all. I loe the sound of the wind, and of the snow and rain falling. I love the sounds of people talking and laughing in coffee shops, stores, libraries, the hush that falls before someone is going to start talking. I loe the way the wind sounds when I walk, I love how it sounds to walk, to hear breathing, to hear crunching of hair against headphones, and hands against face. I love the sound of yoga, and cuddling, and the rushing of a plane taking off. I loe the sound of people in love, or fighting, or crying. I love sounds, a lot, I love that I can hear at all, I am forever grateful.

But I hate the sound of anything in the seminar room where we have 90% of our classes at the Drama Centre at UofT.

I know that sounds bad (pun intended) but I do love the people and the content that gets thrown around in there, I love the conversations I have and the moments of brief epiphany that I receive while existing in that room, but I hate how it sounds. I hate how people eat in their and it sounds so annoying, I hate how the projector sounds, and the lights and the heating. I hate how it sounds to move things, to stomp, to fall on the table, to write. I hate the sound of writing or typing in that room, and I hate how it sounds when I’m alone in there.

I love the people, I love the content, but I hate how the room sounds.

I did not take a picture of this room to spare you the awful lighting, too, and I am not saying I never want to be in this room again, but it is just so hard to be in a room so much when you hate how everything sounds in there.

I hate how my voice sounds in that seminar room, but I speak a lot anyway.

xx Jess

Better Than Nothing | #35

I’ve been listening to this song since my first time in Europe in 2012, when I ws floating around London for the first time, when I was confused, when I wasn’t sure what anything really was there or how I felt. Sarah Jaffe remains one of those amazing, influential beautiful people whose words are sad and hard and full and hollow at the same time. I listen to her, loud, in headphones, while I walk places, and I am strong.

xx Jess

JUST MY IMAGINATION | #34

There should be more attention brought to daydreams. You know about those things, that drift through your mind on the subway or while you’re talking to your boss or your brother on the phone, or those things that you wish would come true but eventually forget, because really…they are just dreams. And nt dreams in the goal-setting sense, in my experience day dreams are always unattainable things, mostly about the YouTube men whom I’d loe to have a relationship with, not in this contintent, or the clothes I’d love to wear/look good in, and eventually the brief moments with people in my life that are uncontrollable, and will probably never happen.
In these dreams, I am always comfortable, and that makes a difference, I think.
Confession time, last summer I spent most of the months of June July and August stuck in the mid 1970’s, where I would day dream about knowing Robert Plant, and I spent a long time inside of my own head. Is that strange? I hope someone reading this understands what this is, spending time inside my head instead of outside in the real world, even when I was out, with friends, with a boyfriend, with family, at work, anything, I wasn’t really there, and that was okay, because inside of my head there was a world that I loved.
And sometimes….sometimes I worry about dying, not because I won’t be able to actually do anything, but because my daydreams, and my ability to imagine, will be gone.
And that worries me, a lot, sometimes.
And other times I am grateful for the opportunity to remember that I do have a life outside of my head, and have to actively turn that part of it all off, because there is a world where things can happen right here, outside, and I can’t spend my whole life wishing things would appen.
But sometimes, those brief moments of comfortable wonder, is worth it, to indulge in, like a good dessert or that second bottle of wine, but only sometimes.
Once in a while daydreaming is okay.
xx Jess

Blind Reading | #33

Welcome to the week of two posts a day! Hurray! It has been brought to my attention that this project might be a bit overwhelming over the course of the term, but without it I might slip into insanity, so, bare with me.

I tend to not take book recommendations, and so I tend to read books from lists of what women should be reading, what goodreads think would be okay for me, or just what looks kind of neat on audible while I’m checking out. This means reading with me is a grab-bag, it means I could get a novel that is fascinating, full of interesting perspectives and stories from fictional or non fictional characters with cool voices, with neat ideas, with stories to tell.
Or it could just be a blind date, a date that had no expectations, and might be pleasant, but is definitely a one-time thing.
2016 has brought a few blind date books, books that I was happy to have because I hadn’t read much, so it was a nice change from my usual theoretical readings, but it wasn’t something I’d read again, I wouldn’t dress up for it, bring it out to a nice dinner, spend a full night with it, its no something I’d continue to read, or recommend to a friend.
I wonder how to make my blind reading choices more specific? Is there a type that I should be looking for, for a brief interlude from my regular programming? Or should I just continue to take my chances, and write them all off as a fun evening/couplet of evenings, that took my mind off of the real world for a while?
Side note: None of this was written pun-intended, or with the fact that “blind dating” should be my cosmopolitan weekly column, just sort of coincidental that I thought of this and “Blind Dating” is what they call dates when you don’t really know the person at all.
xx Jess