Pheonix Phase of my Life

Working hard means writing more for yourself than other people.  It means taking time for self care coffee’s, novels, and bottles and bottles of wine.  Working hard means being proud of the work you do produce, asking questions and for advice, and challenging yourself.  Working hard sometimes means that your blog drops to the waistside, but no longer.

 

I’m reaching out, right here, right now, and putting myself on a bench in front of you, internet people, and saying that I am struggling.  I am working hard, consistently, working hard on everything, and in that work I’ve been working on myself, and working on happiness, and working hard to find something to cling on to.

 

And my apartment smells, this building smells like pot and smoke and stale.  I can’t wait until I can open the windows and light candles and make sangria.

 

So what’s the point of this?  To remind my own self that working hard is important, in every aspect of life, but more importantly that I am sitting on a metaphorical digital bench struggling, and I want to be a better human.  I see so many articles pass by me on facebook and twitter and classes and newspapers about the struggles of people, of horrible violence and injustice, of people falling and failing and dying, and I try and rediscover my place amongst all of this:  is my struggle insignificant?

 

No, just different.

 

And sometimes struggle is good, struggle is like a phoenix.  A struggling, wriggling phoenix bursts wildly into flames, sometimes quietly without a scream, sometimes boldly and triumphantly, sometimes confidently, and sometimes crying alone in bed while procrastinating work, and when the flames die down, the ashes wriggle to the floor, and a small head pops up and is confused about the smoke and burning embers around it, the phoenixes struggle together, moments apart, and sometimes it takes a bit of time to struggle harder and smile…But it happens.

 

How do I make peanut brittle? Meatballs? Myself happy? Others proud?

 

Is there something else I should write about? Do I write about what I know? Do I work with the content that I am figuring out right now?

 

Or do I put on  smile, and type out something about Donald Trump or disability or feminism, something that is current and something that I know?  Or should I just…

 

Should I just wriggle in the ashes a bit more.

 

It seems as though this space of the internet has been just a bench lately, but this needs to be a bit for me lately.  A warm, soft, comfortable bench, in hopes that another phoenix might sit down beside me, lay their hand on mine, and listen.

 

xx Jess

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Exhale.

Good morning!

 

And exhale.  Which is how this week has been.  Friday, the realm the idea of Friday has been long coming since Sunday afternoon, and exhale, and again, deep breath in, and exhale.  This week.  Is done.

 

Week’s are really only seven days, or five, if you count the work week, but those days break down into hours, and those hours into minutes, and those into seconds, and sometimes the time slips away fast away from you.  They disintegrate before your eyes, like when you’re on a deadline or if there’sa response due in a few hours.

 

But sometimes.  Sometimes.

 

Those minutes slowly move, they reluctantly pass, they need encouragement it seems, and it is beyond excruciating to watch them pass so slowly.  I am slowly becoming fluent in patience, though, so I’m doing my best.

 

But Friday is upon us.  I am going to clean this filthy apartment, and read in an armchair with a lavender candle on, and write a list of to-do’s for enxt week because it is significantly less pressing, and smile.

 

Ah, exhaling brings that of which is the most beautiful: smiling.

 

I hope you are all having a beautiful exhale of a day, lovely humans.

 

xx Jess

 

Sick Vibes | #41 I think

Confession time, I have been extremely sick this week.

I had planned on sitting down and catching up on every blog post, and instead I sat down and fell asleep while reading EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. That isn’t an exaggeration, if I was in bed (the warmest place in my non-heated apartment right now) then I was sleeping. I have a chest cold, friends, and it makes me really not want to do work. Rightly so, but graduate school doesn’t really allow for taking a week off of work and sleep time. So, I’ve just kept on keeping on.

But most nights I haven’t been writing blogs, I’ve been organizing my schedule or in the bath. I will not apologise, because for me this is what my body has needed, and my best friends come into the city tomorrow and I just cannot wait to snuggle with a tea and them, but the blog posts are coming.

I won’t lie, I have debated taking a hiatus from the blog officially, because it’s a bit stressful to constantly be apologetic about not catching up, bt its mostly to myself because I love writing these. This is my journal, I would only be apologising to myself.

I want to write post specifically about my research interests so I can specifically link it on my social media so I don’t have to explain myself multiple times. I want to share my favourite photos from England. I want to write down this poem I wrote in class the other day and I want to smile again on here, with my words, hey hi hello I’m a hippy dippy writer lady, no sorry’s.

So I hope ou’re all well, I will be well soon, I think I’m going to be very much behind by the time I have time to write these, but I will prevail, carry on, as I am right now.

Warrior on.

Warrior lady on.

xx Jess