Pheonix Phase of my Life

Working hard means writing more for yourself than other people.  It means taking time for self care coffee’s, novels, and bottles and bottles of wine.  Working hard means being proud of the work you do produce, asking questions and for advice, and challenging yourself.  Working hard sometimes means that your blog drops to the waistside, but no longer.

 

I’m reaching out, right here, right now, and putting myself on a bench in front of you, internet people, and saying that I am struggling.  I am working hard, consistently, working hard on everything, and in that work I’ve been working on myself, and working on happiness, and working hard to find something to cling on to.

 

And my apartment smells, this building smells like pot and smoke and stale.  I can’t wait until I can open the windows and light candles and make sangria.

 

So what’s the point of this?  To remind my own self that working hard is important, in every aspect of life, but more importantly that I am sitting on a metaphorical digital bench struggling, and I want to be a better human.  I see so many articles pass by me on facebook and twitter and classes and newspapers about the struggles of people, of horrible violence and injustice, of people falling and failing and dying, and I try and rediscover my place amongst all of this:  is my struggle insignificant?

 

No, just different.

 

And sometimes struggle is good, struggle is like a phoenix.  A struggling, wriggling phoenix bursts wildly into flames, sometimes quietly without a scream, sometimes boldly and triumphantly, sometimes confidently, and sometimes crying alone in bed while procrastinating work, and when the flames die down, the ashes wriggle to the floor, and a small head pops up and is confused about the smoke and burning embers around it, the phoenixes struggle together, moments apart, and sometimes it takes a bit of time to struggle harder and smile…But it happens.

 

How do I make peanut brittle? Meatballs? Myself happy? Others proud?

 

Is there something else I should write about? Do I write about what I know? Do I work with the content that I am figuring out right now?

 

Or do I put on  smile, and type out something about Donald Trump or disability or feminism, something that is current and something that I know?  Or should I just…

 

Should I just wriggle in the ashes a bit more.

 

It seems as though this space of the internet has been just a bench lately, but this needs to be a bit for me lately.  A warm, soft, comfortable bench, in hopes that another phoenix might sit down beside me, lay their hand on mine, and listen.

 

xx Jess

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